Carroll James Dunham

Carroll James Dunham
May 22, 1941 - May 4, 2016
By Barbara J Dunham

As I sat down to write this as I promised him I would, I wondered how in a few words or pages, I could honor the life of this man who I have known and loved for so many years. I promised him 10 pages, which made him chuckle and knowingly, nod his head. So please forgive me if this is too long.

I first met Carroll Dunham of CJD Construction Company in 1972 when I was a young 22 year old mother of one, married and looking for a contractor to build an addition onto the Cape style family home in Sharon. Although we had both gone to Sharon Schools for all of our early education, 7 years separate us in age and we did not know one another. My stepfather had recently died and my first husband and I were moving back to Sharon from Connecticut. We came up with the idea of adding a "mother-in-law" apartment onto my mother's house as a solution for both her to have help managing the house and for us who needed a place to live. We sought out companies that were advertising in the Sharon Advocate at the time.

Carroll breezed into the driveway in his work truck and on crutches to provide an estimate of $16,000 to put on a full dormer and 16 foot wide two-story "in-law" addition in which I would later raise my two boys while sharing the homestead with my mom for some 21 years. The other estimate we received was for much more money and when that contractor tried to tell us not to hire this young "whipper snapper" upstart who he felt "didn't know what he was doing", I did not like his lack of professionalism and we opted both to save money and hire CJD Construction. When Carroll came with the contract agreement for us to sign, I noticed that his wording on the contract had him both building the addition and then paying for it. With a laugh, he took it back to the friend who had typed it and got it redone. This was in the time before computers.

I had not yet finished my Bachelor Degree and as he worked with his crew building our addition over the next few months, he noticed I had a typewriter and was typing up all my papers for school. He thought I was smart because I was in college and he asked me to do his billing for him. There began a friendship of couples, Rose and Carroll and Richard and me. Carroll had been previously married and had two children, Roy and Kim from that relationship. Rose had three children from a previous marriage, Tommy, Chrissy and Patty, who to this day consider Carroll to be the only father they ever really knew or loved. I tell you this to explain why Carroll has so many children that love him as we gather here today to celebrate his life.

For several years, as his company grew, he would come over in the afternoon and have tea with me and tell me of his escapades while I typed his contracts or his bills. When computers came to be, he bought a TRS-80 and a printer for both his son Roy to use for his schooling and for me to do his billing. It cost over $3,000 and that was a lot of money in that day, but it explains the part of Carroll that was always thinking big and his innate desire to help others grow. It was also my first experience with a computer and it changed my life. Anyone close to Carroll knows that if he had a dollar, he would help people improve their lives before keeping it for himself.

Over time, his other relationships came to an end and a few years later, so did my marriage. By then, I had acquired another son and added Rick and Derek to the children that eventually became "his kids" as well. The success of a relationship between the two of us seemed highly unlikely as we are both fairly opposite in most things but as we began to be together more and more, beginning with dates where I learned several rules like never to put a lime in his rum and coke and never to leave a knife stuck in a cheese ball, we became inseparable. He had aggravating habits like not washing his hands before he'd eat or before he'd pat our white dog, or falling onto the couch for a nap when still filthy dirty from construction work or snow plowing all night but I'm sure my need to organize everything bugged him as well at times. He could fix an RV in the middle of a highway and guide it safely off the road even with two blowouts. He was everything I'm not. And I became the woman who "tamed" him and who filled in the little places where his skills were weak. Together we made a whole.

Without him there is a huge hole. After 5 years of "living in sin" (as he used to say), we married in August of 1989. I have loved this man for over 32 years and have no idea how to go on without him. He was the other half of me that is no longer here.

We wrote our own wedding vows and part of the vows included these words that explained our relationship best:

I come not to change you, but only to delight in our individuality
I come not to deplete you, but to add my life force to yours
I come not to possess you but only to awaken our sharing
I come not to stand firmly upon only my opinions, but rather to lie closely beside you in tenderness.

-- If you know either one of us, that last one about opinions became a challenge several times but we managed always to love one another no matter what and even in disagreement, we would always say, "but I still love you".

Around 1993, little Brittaney came into our lives as the granddaughter who grew up in our home. She is the 8th child to be infected with his love, generosity and words of wisdom. She is the only child he raised pretty much from start to finish and is truly the "apple of his eye".

He worked with his hands and felt "life learning" was the most important. He told me once that there is nothing in a book that he can't learn in life. I used him often in my career as an example of multiple intelligences and learning styles that a school environment often overlooks. He learned through his experiences and hands-on doing things and watching people and just plain thinking. He was a whiz at doing math in his head and could back an RV into spots no one else would dare try. He invented a wing blade to get the snow that accumulated under the front of truck trailers, a signal flag for kids who fall of water skis, and a special carry rack behind the RV for his golf cart. He could measure 36 inches by eye and then use a ruler to show he did it. He was always trying to figure things out right up to his final days. In his sleep, he'd invent a problem and wake up trying to solve it. I'd tell him it was only a dream but he would worry and pine about how to solve it anyway. He was a problem solver and an inventor, constantly seeking solutions to things. And it seemed he couldn't stop, even trying to resolve his health issues with chains and pulleys.

While I learned best by reading and going to school, he learned with his hands and his eyes. He was an adventurer and a dreamer. I used to play that song, "Don't fall in love with a Dreamer" because it described him all the way. He felt he could do just about anything and that he could think his way out of any problem. Without caution or worry, he would throw all his money into buying big machinery to build up his company, rarely drawing a paycheck for himself. He hated conflict but would take on a business problem full steam.

On the other hand, I am the not so adventurous worrier, the bookworm, the paper pusher, always studying and reading and trying to save money and conserve assets. I am fearful of heights and always made him drive in the center lane when crossing the Tappan Zee in our RV. He was fearless and always felt invincible. This resulted in many close calls that involved things like being run over by his own bull dozer, falling off boats and ski lifts, getting his feet stuck in mud a mile out just before the Bay of Fundy tide came in, nearly sinking a boat full of grandchildren in the middle of Sokokis Lake, having a broken piston from one of his machines shoot by his head, having a wrong way driver whiz past him in the left lane just after he'd meandered over one lane to the right, and so many other close misses that they can't all be listed here.

What drew us together was our common love for our mothers, our family and our children, and our joint belief that we could improve the lives of others in our different occupations. We both appreciated the varied ways that people improve themselves and we wanted to help people learn and succeed. And it is no small thing that we filled in the blanks in each other's weaknesses.

He was outspoken at times, "unfiltered" as I used to say and I learned to accept him for that because people always knew where they stood with him and they would laugh at his honest yet "off the wall" comments. You never knew what was coming out of his mouth next.

When I would cry over one child or another who had managed to hurt my feelings in the process of growing up, he would remind me, "They are kids honey. They will grow out of this soon." He understood people more than I ever will. He rarely spoke a bad word about anyone. He always tried to understand them more and to give them the benefit of the doubt. He had a rule that the F word would never be said in front of a woman and it was never used between us.

One particularly difficult day in the last few months, he was Fing this and Fing that because I wouldn't use a crane to put him on his beloved couch. In frustration, I hollered back at him and told him that wasn't Fing possible. He lay there quietly for a while and then said, "Honey, we need a truce. Don't say anymore F words. I laughed and hugged him and said he'd used 100 of them and I only used one but we promised one another it wouldn't happen again. And in spite of all he was going through, I never heard another F-word come from his mouth.

He taught me to believe I could be anything I wanted to be. He supported me going to endless nights of college and drove me to Washington and Florida to finish requirements for my doctorate. He loved me deeply and often understood me more than I understood myself. He told my mother once that when he was with me, it was "golden" and for me, that said it all. We had wonderful moments together that I will never forget. He trusted me to be out long nights at work or school or meetings or conferences and never complained about the long hours of my job as Superintendent. He would watch me at meetings on local TV and count the number of times I said, "ummm" and report it to me as soon as I walked into the bedroom. "Twenty seven 'Umms' tonight honey…" He protected me when I needed protection and was my best friend and without a doubt, the love of my life.

He loved puttering around our lake house in Maine where I would argue with him to stop working so much. Some people actually thought I had demanded all the building and remodeling he did but it was actually the cause of conflict between us because I wanted him to stop. He couldn't.

In the 10 years we have owned it, he remodeled the garage door and roof structure to fit the pontoon boat, he built another boathouse to house the 4 jet skis and ran water, sewer and electric out to a spot for an RV to park. He put in a new furnace, a new electric service to the house, a second bathroom, a new kitchen, new windows and doors, new wood floors throughout, new roof, new paint job, landscaped the yard and the beach and put in a stone wall and steps among other smaller projects. He was endless with his creative ideas and a team of mules could not stop him. It was the cause of many an argument. His motive for all the work seemed to be based in trying to lure the kids and other family to come to Maine for a campfire and fireworks by the lake. We will do this on the 4th of July this year in his honor.

Carroll loved people. He loved challenges and building things and rum and coke. He was creative and inventive. He spent a lot of time driving around in his truck because he felt the telephone was not the way to do business. He wanted to help people starting out in life or starting out in business. He liked face-to-face conversations. He loved hanging out at our son Rick's garage, R & D Trucking and before that, Arthur Round's garage in Foxboro. His life was one full of caring, understanding and love for all people. He had wonderful best friends like Arthur and Jack and Kenny and brother Skip who came to see him faithfully even when he slept through the visits or asked them to leave so he could rest. He loved his brothers and sisters and wanted everyone to get along. One of his last times with the boys was at the Town Spa in Stoughton in February of this year. About 12 of them got together and reminisced for 2-3 hours. He loved that day and had wanted to do it again.

He was extremely patriotic and loved his country. He was known for quizzing people on the flag and flag etiquette and flag parts and was very critical of oversized flags used on commercial buildings. Anyone who chose not to stand during the National Anthem when he was around, had to answer to him.

One time driving home late at night, he stopped to help a young army man and his wife and baby who had run out of gas near where Mick Morgan's is now. After taking him to get gas, he handed him a $100 bill because the kid reminded him of himself when he was starting out. He loved doing things like that. He always pictured his early life with no money and wanted to help pretty much anyone get ahead. That was the essence of Carroll Dunham and there were plenty of people who took advantage of his generous and understanding ways. He trusted people, as I would say, WAY TOO MUCH! He believed a handshake would seal the deal and explained when people didn't pay him that they must have needed the money more than he did.

His heart was kind and all his rules for his many children mellowed with the years and as they matured into fine adults. He loved each of them unconditionally and equally. He said this to them on April 16 and asked them to remember him with a memento that he presented to each child and grandchild.

He was stubborn beyond all reason. One recent day while we thought Carroll was asleep, I was talking to Skippy and I said something about how stubborn Carroll is about wanting to get out of bed even while his pain was so intense. Carroll piped up with, "But you aren't stubborn right?" and it made us all laugh. He was always listening and I warned people of that when they would come to visit.

When he was first diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2004, we opted for radical surgery to give him the best chance of survival. He was cancer free for 7 years after that but our battle began again in 2011 when the cancer returned with a vengeance, sapping his energy and moving him into retirement. He fought a valiant battle with another round of surgery and going to specialists including those at Dana Farber for treatments that included hospitalizations, chemotherapy, radiation and cutting edge medicines. I studied the disease and in additional to these treatments, fed him vitamin C, Paw Paw fruit from Ohio, olives and medical marijuana brownies to help him fight the disease, make his body stronger and relieve pain. He fought long and hard would not even tell other family members that he had cancer because he thought it would make people worry. I believe no one really understood how ill he was until last September when we began what became his final downhill battle that he bravely fought right up until last Wednesday night. His stoicism amazed me and he continued to so hard to overcome the disease that ravaged his bones and his strength.

Right up to the end, he felt he could think his way back somehow to being mobile again and somehow getting into the RV and driving down to Florida again. He lay in his hospital bed in our living room, day after day, trying to invent a mechanical device or some other invention to get him out of the bed when his body was failing him. He was always thinking, always trying to problem-solve. He repeatedly demanded, "Come on, Let's go, Lets go!"

When his arms and legs could no longer move for him, and pain rattled his every move, he came up with a wild scheme to throw a chain around his legs and arms and just pull hard to get him onto his beloved couch. When we said it wouldn't work, he said, "Just get a small crane then!" We told him it still wouldn't work and he yelled at us, "Just do as I say! Why won't you do as I say?" Even as sick as he was, he was the consummate manager and job boss.

The day before he left us, we had a better day than most because he was awake and we were able to talk to him. I asked if he was afraid and he whispered a long, "Noooooo" and shook his head slowly side to side. I asked him if he was angry and he said, "No, I just can't believe I am really going to die." He never shed a tear for himself but I would see him just lying there staring at the ceiling, thinking and thinking. We told each other how much we loved one another and kissed several times. I told him I will love him forever and ever, and he whispered back, "forever and ever and ever". We agreed that whoever gets to heaven first, that person will find the other when the other one arrives. He smiled at the idea of having a rum and coke again to celebrate. He worried who would write his obituary and I asked him if he was kidding. I said, "I will and it will be 10 pages long, you know me!" And he chuckled and looked at me with his big blue eyes because he does know me.

When the priest came on his final night with us, the prayer he said ended with something like, "May our all merciful God take you into his loving arms" and with that, Carroll exhaled and went with God. It gives me some peace to know that he is with God and it makes me sad beyond all sadness to have seen him give in to go with God after his valiant and brave fight. But his pain has now ended and he has gone to where many who love him have gone before. I have to believe they are all together now.

After living so many months one day at a time, I don't know what comes next my honey, but there is one promise I make to you today and that is, if there is any way to find you in heaven when I get there, you can bet I will because, like I told you, you are my love forever and ever!

Love, Barbara
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Obituary and Service information,
Carroll James Dunham, age 74, passed away in his Sharon, Massachusetts home, surrounded by his loving family, on Wednesday, May 4, 2016. Born in Boston, Massachusetts on May 22, 1941, he was the son of the late Leavitt and Gertrude (Bellows) Dunham.~ He was raised in Sharon and attended Sharon Public Schools.~ After a job at a bakery in the Sharon Heights and Robey Wilton's garage as a teen, Carroll enlisted and proudly served his country in the United States Army, where he completed his education, earned his GED and developed a profound patriotism for his country. He earned the Sharpshooters Badge and was awarded confidential secret clearance while serving in the Signal Corps in Germany. After his honorable discharge in 1965, Carroll returned to his beloved hometown of Sharon, taking a position with the Sharon Department of Public Works to support his family of two young children. After a few years, Carroll with hammer in hand, he started his own contracting company, CJD Construction, Inc. based out of Sharon.

He is well known for his many and varied skills working with his hands. He was involved with home building construction, Title V septic installations, snow plowing large industrial lots such as local WalMarts, Zayres in Mansfield, and roadway projects in the local area, landscaping and cleanup and recent land speculation. Carroll's abilities marked him as a true jack-of-all-trades and his company included many pieces of heavy equipment that he loving referred to as "his iron". Carroll had a tremendously generous heart and love for people. He was always willing to help those in need, whether family, children, friends, or complete strangers. He loved playing horse shoes, people, and family get-togethers, especially times with family at the holidays. He was a problem solver and amateur inventor, never seeing an issue that he didn't think he could solve right up to the very end.

Carroll married the "love of his life", Barbara at the Elk's Lakeside Lodge in North Attleboro on August 6, 1989, honeymooning in Nashville Tennessee in what would be their first RV. They made their home together in Sharon and enjoyed taking vacation road trips across the country. Carroll was a loving and supportive husband and father who valued education and hard work. Even after his diagnosis of cancer in 2004, he determined he would not give in or give himself a break.

He offered unwavering dedication to his wife as she completed her educational studies and worked long hours as Superintendent of Sharon Schools. After their joint retirement in 2011, Carroll and Barbara enjoyed driving their RV to Florida while listening to country western music with Johnny Cash and Jo Ann Castle among his most favorite country artists.~ While wintering in Naples, Florida, Carroll held classes to teach others how to play his favorite game, cribbage. They also enjoyed spending time at their summer home, on Lake Sokokis Lake in Limerick, Maine where Carroll loved taking his family out on his boat and jet skis and spent many hours constantly building and remodeling to make the lakehouse inviting and fun. In his retirement, he stayed constantly busy with projects including carving golf balls and "building things for fun". He loved wood working projects and took any chance to take on a new construction project. Although he was constantly busy, Carroll relaxed by taking long slow rides on his jet ski around Lake Sokokis or doing the same in his golf cart, driving around the Pelican Lake Motorcoach Park in Naples, Florida.

Carroll was a long time member of the American Legion Post 106 in Sharon, a life member of the Fish and Game in Foxboro, a charter member of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks (BPOE) Lodge 2633 in Mansfield and a Life Member of the VFW in Foxboro.

Beloved husband and best friend of Barbara J. (Manzer) Dunham for more than 32 years. Loving father to 8 children who he often stated that he loved equally, Roy Dunham and his wife Deborah of Plainville, Kimberley Dunham and her significant other Howard Baskins of Pawtucket, RI, children by marriage Richard Cicchetti, Jr. and his wife Dawn of Stoughton, Derek Cicchetti and his wife Karen of Plymouth, and children of love Brittaney Dunham (Granddaughter-daughter) of Sharon, Thomas Gallagher of Norton, Christine Faulkner and her husband Robert of North Attleboro, and Patricia Watson and her husband Wayne of Saint Johns, NB, Canada. Cherished grandfather of Kelly, Stephen and Jacquelyn Dunham, Alexander, Alyssa, Emma, Erin, and Elli Cicchetti, Matthew, Taylor, and Gracie Gallagher, Heather and Daniel Faulkner, Jamie Picard, and Dylan Watson. Loving Brother of Leavitt "Skip" Dunham and his wife Marjorie of Walpole Joan Richard and her husband James of Wrentham, and Shirley Gustin of Exeter, NH and his late siblings, the late Lee and Clyde Noyes, Evelyn Stevenson, and Donald Ramsdell. Also survived by many nieces and nephews.

Relatives and friends are kindly invited to attend Carroll's Life Celebration on Monday, May 9, 2016 from 4-8 PM in the James H. Delaney & Son Funeral Home, 48 Common Street, Walpole. A Funeral Home Service will be held on Tuesday, May 10, 2016 at 10:00 AM. Interment will follow in Knollwood Memorial Park in Canton. A reception for all friends and family will be held upstairs at the American Legion in Sharon on South Main Street across from Shaws Plaza from 11:30 - 4. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made to: Old Colony Hospice, 1 Credit Union Way, Randolph, MA 02368.